When I was in my 30s, I installed dating app Tinder out of curiosity. However, I immediately uninstalled the app in just a few months, because I did not know how to work around the algorithm, many weird guys out there and also, at that time I was confident that I could still meet a decent man offline. After all, I had a job in an office, had colleagues and commuted for two hours (one way) every day. When I decided to be a freelancer, I still had the same confidence because I could meet people whenever I went out to do some meetings.
Then came the age of 40 and the COVID-19 pandemic that hit the world badly for two years and gone were my confidence. The days in the first year of the pandemic were quite bearable, and there was hope that the pandemic would end soon. But when 2021 rolled, with Delta wave crushing all hopes and confidences, I just knew that we should not take things, such as time, for granted.
So, 2022 kicked off and I decided to just roll with every opportunities and challenges that came in my way. I said yes to travels, I bought my first 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzle, and finally, I installed a dating app again following an occurrence that poked my curiosity on my preferences.
What kind of occurrence was it?
Well, I've been participating in an online class on Islamic study and one day, the Ustadzah (teacher) casually asked if anyone was already going for haj/registering for haj. I said I had registered and was supposed to go in 2023, but due to the pandemic, it was probably re-scheduled to God knows when. The Ustadzah was excited to hear the information and told me that hopefully I could get married before going for haj. Then she suddenly offered a CV of a single man, right then and there, in front of other classmates. I was too surprised to say anything. But what made me even more shocked was her next sentences,"Oh, by the way, he is not handsome. But you are not looking for a good-looking man, are you?"
I felt numb upon hearing the Ustadzah's words. I know very well that I am not pretty or sexy by the Indonesian standard (and most likely by any country's standard), but does it mean that I have no right to marry a man who looks good (at least, looks good in my eyes)? Are those words really necessary?
Anyway, I simply smiled and thanked her for the offer. I looked into that CV the Ustadzah gave me and then I politely told her that I didn't feel any inclination toward the man. It was not because of his looks (by the way, the Ustadzah was right, he was not handsome), but it was more because the CV did not mention his preferences: what kind of woman he's looking for, what kind of marriage he's looking to build with the wife, etc etc. It was a business and formal CV, the one you use to apply for jobs.
After rejecting the CV, I thought long and hard about the whole situation. To tell you the truth, at the age of 42, with my father's unstable health condition and amidst this ongoing pandemic, I have given up all hopes to get married. I just want to complete my duties and responsibilities as a good, obedient Muslim daughter to my parents. I've been thinking to save up all of my earnings and one day, after both parents have passed on, I will do the things I've been wanting to do. Such as doing the round-the-world trip like Phileas Fogg, moving to a small city or simply making my own life decisions without any fear of disagreement from my parents.
At that point, I believed that the incident was a sign for me to take action and do the last efforts to find my spouse. So that if one day, Allah asks me on the Day of Judgement, I could say,"Ya Allah, I have tried to find him and I always mention Your Name in each and every action I take." Bismillahirrahmaanirrahiim, with these words I started the journey of finding that half-deen.
This small incident also made me ponder on the qualities I should seek from a man. I know for sure that I don't fall for the good looks, but rather the good body (LOL, sorry, just have to say it). I think I will write another post on the qualities, as a self-reminder to always keep my standards high. All jokes and seriousness aside, here comes the tough question: how can I meet a single, decent man amidst this ongoing pandemic and my work-from-home situation?
Having been attracted to and becoming object of affection to non-Muslim men, I decided that I would use Muslim-based dating app. There are many of them on the app stores, so I did some browsing to see which one(s) people use the most.
I started with Salams, which used to be Minder (a twist on Tinder), but then it was renamed to Salams to give a more Islamic feel to the app. I downloaded this app on July 28 night (I remembered this clearly, as it was the last Friday of the month aka payday hahaha). After I filled in my profile and uploaded a few photos, I checked the Home button and found the profiles of the men. If I liked him, I could swipe right, or to the left, if I didn't. The Explore button shows people who Liked Me, as well as whom I Liked and whom I Passed, while the Matches button contains the chatting box with those I like and who like me back, or to simply put it, they match with me.
With Salams, you don't really have to be a paid member because almost everything is open to access. You can actually send message to a person you like, although there is a limit on the number of free messages that you can send. There is also Unmatched & Blocked features, when you decide that you don't really like that person after a few chats. In Salams, you can set location preference, so you can find potential candidates from other countries. If I'm not mistaken, this app doesn't limit users to a certain number of swipes in a day.
After a month of using Salams, I downloaded Muzz, formerly called Muzzmatch. The features are pretty much the same with Salams, but the layout of the interface put emphasis on the photos. If you are a visual person, this app is a treat to your eyes. There are also options to upload audio (an advantage for people with beautiful voice) and video. On the Explore button, you can see people who Liked You, Visited You, whom you Favorited, Liked, Passed, Blocked. The Your Chats button offers in-house voice call and video call features, so you don't have to use another app to do voice/video calls. Muzz also has location preferences, just like Salams, but it has a certain limit of swipes in a day (if I'm not mistaken, you can only swipe up to 100, cmiiw).
Then I found Muslima, which turns out to be the most limited dating app of all three apps mentioned in this post. This app encourages the members to take up paid membership. If you or that person you like is on free membership, you can't message the person and vice versa, although you have matched him. The good thing is this system shows which men are serious and really put in efforts to find spouse through the app.
I think those three apps are enough for now. I will let you know how things progress as I try to tweak and work around the algorithm. Anyone wondering what kind of experiences I get from these app? See you on the next post then ;)
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